Family Fatherhood Love Family Marriage
Living Sacrifice
The following is a guest post by Dr. James B. Avey.
One of my favorite movies from back in the day (well at least back in MY day) is Armageddon. The first time I watched it (spoiler alert) I was sure Bruce Willis would die in the end. Sure enough, as I am pretending not to cry, not only did he die but he sacrificed his life so his future son-in-law (Ben Afleck) would live. He gave his life for another. This concept of sacrifice is celebrated all over our culture and the world. This is not just frequent in movies but in the military as well. Congressional medals of honor are usually given to those who had valor under fire and risked their lives to save their comrades. Firefighters are valued in culture as they might bravely (or fearfully) rush in to burning buildings to rescue those in need. Maybe even you would take a bullet for your best friend. This single moment in time sacrifice is honored, and rightly so. Someone giving up their life for another is a little bit of Jesus coming on Earth.
However awesome this sacrifice dimension of culture is I find an interesting boundary condition to it in my own life and those around me. As a man, over time I can lose to drive to daily sacrifice and still be ready and willing for that ultimate sacrifice. Let me explain. I have a wife and four kids. If someone held out a gun to me and said “you choose, you or your son/daughter/wife” I would be dead 100 times out of 100. No question. As cool as it might be on CNN the next day, the fact is that sacrifice wouldn’t cost me much. My family doesn’t need me to die for them today, they need me to live for them today, tomorrow and until my last breath. I’ll give up my life for my wife when a gun is pulled, but will I give up my sleep by getting up early to make breakfast for her? Will I sacrifice my pouting when she doesn’t want to have sex? Will I give up my phone when she wants to talk? I’ll die for my kids but will I walk away from the Seahawks playoff game to teach them how to play checkers? Will I put my computer down and read a book to them? This is where real sacrifice meets manhood. Anyone can be a hero in a moment, the character of a man is not the single sacrifice he makes for his family but the daily sacrifice he makes to them.
Let me add one more twist that I’ve observed over time. Many men I know (including myself) are ready and willing to make this daily sacrifice if, and only if, it is received with gratitude and honor. When we do something sacrificial for our families we want it known. Make a sign, call a family meeting, give a round of applause; everyone need to come take note that THIS GUY RIGHT HERE made a sacrifice. Here’s the catch; when you get something back (like gratitude, honor and recognition) it’s no longer a sacrifice. Sacrifice is giving up with nothing in return; getting honor in return is a trade or a transaction. It’s the difference in bringing your wife flowers to have sex with her and simply bringing her flowers with no expectation in return. Being a sacrificial servant leader in your home is endlessly serving snotty kids who reject your love and humbly serving your wife after her cutting words. Everyone can agree sacrificial leadership is a critical component of being a man; but those same men (like me) feel like they are owed honor after the service has passed.
My brothers, leading a family is hard and usually thankless work. It will bring you great joy and fulfillment if you faithfully and humbly serve over time. But when we show up with expectations of honor and gratitude our entitlement sets us up for disappointment. If we serve, as the Bible teaches, to the Glory of God and not to the glory of us, our joy will be sustaining and worthwhile; both in this life and the next.
James B. Avey holds a Ph.D. in Leadership, Human Resource Management and Organizational Behavior from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln. He is currently an associate professor of management at Central Washington University and previously in human resource management at The Boeing Company. He lives in Ellensburg with his wife Christy and their four children; Corban, Annabelle, Dawson and Piper.
In addition to Jesus, family and his published research focused on leadership in business, he spends much of his time investing in young men eager to step into leading and serving their families, churches and communities. Living in Ellensburg, he also spends time elk hunting and camping in the North Cascades Wilderness with his family.
