A guest post by Will Morton

Sometimes I feel like I am falling apart!!!!!  The Tremendous PAIN is overwhelming, but there are times when it feels like it is starting to lift. It’s when I connect to the heart of God, the pain becomes fleeting!!!

Suddenly, I CAN BREATHE!!! The weight of the the pain, shame, regret and disgrace of the past lifts. Brokenness, disappointment, doubt, regrets, discouragement, and depression are a hand full of dust compared to the Mountain of His Love!!!! They don’t hold a candle to the light of the Sun; His Son and the things we have been given.

It starts to tear down the walls and expose the lies. Everything that is wrong with the world.

This is not how it’s supposed to be. Even if you say you don’t believe… “You can feel it can’t you?”

Something is wrong with this place, something is missing in my life, something is slightly amiss. Why do I feel this way? This is not how it is supposed to be. Even when things are at there best. It feels like something is missing. It’s like there is this puzzle shaped whole in my heart. Fear says “Oh No! Did I loose the last piece?” Next thing I know, I am down on my hands and knees scrambling frantically to find the piece and complete the puzzle.

FEAR AND DARKNESS

Fear always opens the door and weight of the enemies forces come crashing in and I start to feel like I am drowning in negative energy; the kind that makes you feel dirty. It’s an oppressive cloud that you cannot see, but you feel the weighty darkness. Always holding you back, keeping you from your breakthrough, keeping you from your destiny and true happiness.

Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable and is never satisfied. Destruction and sabotage are it’s brothers. They are constantly telling me that I can’t, I’ll fail, or that it won’t matter anyway. The minute I start to believe that lie and go down that road, I am lead astray like Pinocchio to the amusement park (this is fun, I’ll do this, try this, experiment with this). Yet I come to find out that the enemy was trying to make me a slave. The devil is trying to make an ass of me.

I cannot be the only one who knows there is something wrong. I look around and I can see it on people, the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can see it on their sad faces, because their heads are low.  Discouragement and disappointment are like a cloud that hangs over their head and follows them where ever they go. All the while I hear the cry of their Hearts. “WHY? WHY?? WHY??? Why is this happening again? Why is it like this? Is it always going to be like this.”

Do you feel it too? What does it feel like for you?”

I have religious people come against me and say, ” Oh you’re not a Christian. You don’t act like a Christian.”

To that I would reply, “God is not looking for actors. I am just being real and this is where I’m at. You’re right! I’m not there. Far from it. I am on a journey and I have only taken the first few steps. This is not where I belong. Heaven is my home. I am a citizen of Heaven. Eternity is calling my name. Everlasting Joy and Peace are going to be the hallmarks of the next life. They will fill the air and we will be overwhelmed with Gods love for us.”

My life may look like a train wreck and it is! My life may look crazy to you and it is! My life may look undesirable. People have a misconception about what it means to be a Christian. I mean if you’re a Christian shouldn’t you have it all figured out??? Shouldn’t you have it all together, be farther along, and be leading the pack???

A DREAM

Recently, I had a dream that I was standing in an open place like Montana and everything was burned to the ground as far as the eye could see in every direction. God was looking down and I had a lighter and a bottle of lighter fluid in my hand. GUILTY! I wanted to hide, but there was no place I could run. There wasn’t even a blade of grass to cast a shadow. I was caught totally guilty, with nowhere to run or hide! God didn’t even address what I had done–No guilt, shame, condemnation, no rebuke. I started to see a path appear before my feet and as I looked to where it was going I saw my future. It was paradise; but as I looked at the triple rainbow in the sky and I knew it was the promise of a better life right around the corner–not in Eternity, in this life.

Psalms 27:13-14 says, [13] I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. [14] Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Get that? In this life… In the land of the living It seems that too many people are living in the land of the lost. They are too concerned with Vampires and immortal life, or Zombies.  No thank you! I know what agreeing with darkness can do. If you crack a window in the dead of winter, the cold will creep in and take over. And a sinking ship does not sink because of all the water in the ocean. It sinks because of the tiny hole and the things it is letting in.

In my most desperate moments…… I have come to know Him so powerfully. When I pray, I can hear Him say, “I am here.” When I am trying to put the puzzle of my life together, He says, “I am the piece your looking for.” No one can take away what I know in my heart to be true. I HAVE HOPE FOR THIS LIFE AND FOR THE LIFE TO COME!!!  ETERNITY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!!

When I read His Word, seek His Face, dance in my living room when no one is around. When I sing out, broken down crying out, yelling God I am here. I feel His Love come crashing into my living room.

I feel waves of love, mercy, forgiveness, hope, and forgiveness. Wave after wave, I am washed in the truth. I am adopted onto His family, I am accepted, I am truly and deeply loved.

THE CROSSROADS

When I was at a cross roads in my life…… I had decided to move back to the city and go back to what I knew. I was going to move back to Seattle, hang out with my friends and the things that I felt comfortable and a kin to. I had been rejected by everyone else; so the freaks, misfits, the all the weirdos on Capitol Hill were my people and became family to me.

I felt The love of the Creator flood my heart and it was like nothing that I had felt. It was what I was searching for my entire life–True love and acceptance. I heard my Heaven Father say, “I have something better for you.” For almost a month, I thought about that experience and wondered what is this better life?”  So I purposed in my heart to chase after that. I prayed and said to God, “OK. You’ve got my attention. I’m curious. I am going to give you two years of my life to prove yourself. I am not going back to the life that I once knew and I will not date anyone, because that will just mess things up. I will start going to church and try to learn who you are, but if you don’t show up, I’m going back.” My life radically changed and I got rocked. I saw miracles left and right and I started to believe. I have never regretted taking two years to work on myself and to seek God. in that time to find out there was something more to the cosmos.

 THE BEST ADVICE

A dear friend once said to me. “God is trying to get you attention, because the is something He wants you to do. Read your Bible a half hour each day and pray and you will start to and learn to hear His voice. Don’t even go to the Old Testament. There is too much weird stuff in there that you won’t understand. Start in John and read till the end, then re-read it from the beginning. Read it over and over till it starts to become apart of you.” It was the best advise I was ever given…

And that is why I am a Christian. Not because I have it all together, but because I don’t. I am a wreck and need saving–a Savior. I can’t do this life on my own and I need God’s help. He is the Only One Who can help or cares enough to help. He is the Only One that will be with me my whole life. Thank You Jesus!!!!!!

This morning as I was typing I was listening to these two songs.

Times (by Tenth Avenue North)
How He Loves Us (by John Mark McMillan)

They are a great comfort and reminder to me to keep going. I am going to fight the good fight. I am going to run the race set before me and win the prize. Even if I am confused. I will lean into God’s heart and choose to believe.